5 Signs Comparing Yourself At Work Is Failing You

The Hidden Comparison Trap Draining Your Work Performance

You're handling the calls. You're learning the new policies. You're showing up every day despite the three-hour commute and the back-to-back schedule with no breaks.

But there's this other thing happening-the thing that makes your brain refuse to shut off at night. Your colleague walks by and asks, "How many calls have you done today?" And before you can answer, she's already telling you she's done twice as many. You feel it in your chest: I'm not good enough.

You crashed when the new policy training started. Not just struggled-completely crashed. Forgot your whole job for about a week. And meanwhile, she's posting her scores like it's a competition you didn't know you'd entered.

Your brain won't stop. Sleep feels impossible. Everything is getting on top of you.

Here's what most people miss: the exhaustion you're feeling isn't coming from where you think.

Why Trying To Match Her Numbers Backfires

From the outside, it looks straightforward:

Your colleague is high-performing and confident
You're struggling to keep up
The workload is overwhelming
You need to work harder to match her level

Every time she mentions her numbers, you see evidence that you're falling behind. When you crashed during training, you saw proof that you're not as capable. When your brain won't shut off at night, it feels like you're not handling stress as well as she does.

The visible story is simple: she's better at this than you are.

And if you could just get better-learn faster, handle more calls, stop getting so stressed-everything would be fine.

The Comparison Loop Secretly Destroying Your Capacity

But here's what you can't see from inside the experience:

Every time you compare yourself to your colleague, your brain runs a process in the background. Research shows that upward social comparison-comparing yourself to someone who seems more accomplished-triggers something specific in your nervous system.

First, it generates negative self-evaluation. Your brain takes in her numbers and automatically reduces its assessment of you.

Second, it creates what researchers call "ego depletion." This is the draining of your mental energy reserves. Think of it like your phone running multiple apps in the background-even when you're not actively thinking about the comparison, your brain is processing it, running the calculations, replaying the interactions. This drains the battery.

Third, this depletion leads to diminished performance. A comprehensive review published in the Academy of Management Annals found that upward social comparisons adversely impact employee behavior, manifesting in reduced job performance, increased anxiety, and workplace stress.

Here's the invisible mechanism: comparison isn't just making you feel bad-it's actively reducing your capacity to perform well, which then gives you more to feel bad about.

You're not in a competition you're losing. You're in a loop that feeds itself.

When you crashed during the new policy training, your brain wasn't just learning new procedures-it was simultaneously running the comparison program, draining the mental resources you needed for learning. When your brain won't shut off at night, it's not processing your work. It's replaying the comparison loop, searching for evidence, running scenarios.

Studies on workplace stress show that employees use social comparisons to evaluate their stress levels-which means you're not just stressed by the work, you're stressed by measuring your stress against hers. The comparison itself is a source of stress amplification.

The mechanism working behind the scenes: every comparison depletes your energy, which reduces your performance, which creates more material for negative comparison, which depletes more energy.

And nobody told you this was happening.

The Fatal Flaw In Trying To Win Her Game

So what do most people do when they feel like they're falling behind?

They try harder. They push themselves to match the other person's numbers. They work through lunch. They stay late. They tell themselves to be better, do more, prove they're good enough.

This is the standard approach: win the comparison by becoming the person you're comparing yourself to.

But here's where the logic breaks:

When you try to win at her game, you're still playing her game. You're still using her as the measuring stick. You're still running the comparison program in the background. Which means you're still depleting your mental energy with every data point you collect about how you measure up.

Research on over 1,100 participants found that people with high self-esteem rely significantly more on internal resources-their own values and strengths-than external resources like others' approval. People with low self-esteem do the opposite: they rely on external validation and use it less effectively.

The standard approach assumes you can build stable self-worth by finally measuring up externally. But the research shows that external validation produces unstable self-esteem that fluctuates with every new comparison.

Fighting to win the comparison game requires you to:

Constantly monitor her performance (more mental energy drain)
Constantly evaluate yourself against her standard (more negative self-evaluation)
Constantly feel the gap between where you are and where she is (more stress amplification)

You're trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in it. The harder you work to win her approval-or match her numbers-the more energy you drain, which makes it harder to perform, which creates a bigger gap to close.

And here's the twist: notice what she's doing. She needs to tell you her numbers. She needs you to know how many calls she's completed. She needs to position herself as better than you.

Research shows that secure people-people with genuine internal confidence-don't need constant external validation. They don't need everyone to know how great they are. Her need to keep proving she's better than you reveals her own insecurity.

If you took away her ability to compare herself favorably to others, who would she be?

When you fight to win the comparison, you're accepting the premise that her measuring stick is the right one. You're agreeing that your worth is determined by how you stack up against her.

But it's not a fair comparison to begin with. As you said yourself: it's like comparing yourself to a genius.The standard is arbitrary.

So fighting it-trying to beat her at her own game-just locks you deeper into the mechanism that's draining you.

How To Measure Yourself Against Yourself Instead

Here's the counterintuitive move:

Stop trying to win the comparison. Opt out of the game entirely.

Instead of measuring yourself against her numbers, measure yourself against your own progress.

This isn't about lowering your standards. It's about changing the measuring stick from external to internal.

Think about how you naturally do this in other parts of your life. You started reading again-you're at chapter 17 since Sunday. When you think about that, do you automatically wonder if someone else read faster? Or do you think about how you weren't reading at all before, and now you're really into the series?

You started small workouts again, and you feel much better. Are you comparing your workout to someone else's? Or are you noticing the difference from when you weren't working out at all?

You went to ring-making classes with your partner's mum and really enjoyed it. Did you need anyone to validate that your ring turned out well? Or did you just enjoy the process and the result?

In these areas, you're already using internal validation. You're judging yourself by your own standards: What did I do yesterday? Did I improve beyond yesterday?

And notice: in these areas, your brain isn't constantly busy. You sleep better when you've had a good reading session. You feel better after workouts. You enjoyed the ring-making without needing external approval.

The same mechanism works for your job.

Instead of asking "How do I measure up to her?" ask "What did I do better today than yesterday?"

Research on growth mindset-the approach of comparing yourself to your own past performance rather than to others-shows measurable improvements in achievement. Studies involving over 200,000 students found that this internal comparison approach led to the equivalent of 33 extra days of learning per academic year.

When you shift from external to internal validation:

You stop draining mental energy on comparison calculations
You start seeing actual evidence of progress (which your brain can use instead of anxiety loops)
Your performance improves because you're not fighting the ego depletion cycle
Your self-worth stabilizes because it's not fluctuating with every external data point

Practically, this looks like:

At the end of each workday, write down one thing you did better than the previous day. It can be tiny. "I remembered to take a breath before answering a tough question." "I understood the new policy section better than yesterday." "I handled a difficult call more smoothly than I would have last week."

No comparison to anyone else. Just you versus yesterday-you.

When she asks "How many calls have you done today?" you opt out of the game: "I'm focusing on quality over quantity right now" or "I'm not tracking it that way." You're not being rude. You're protecting your internal focus.

Build in recovery time. You've been thinking you need to maximize every minute, but that approach feeds the depletion cycle. Even five minutes after lunch before your first afternoon call-just to reset-changes the equation. You're choosing your own standard of sustainable work instead of accepting hers.

This reversal doesn't mean you stop improving. It means you stop using a measuring stick that depletes you. Research on self-compassion-treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend-shows it actually improves performance outcomes while reducing anxiety.

You're not lowering the bar. You're using a bar that makes sense for you.

The Self-Worth Anchor Nobody Talks About

But here's the deeper thing happening underneath all of this.

The surface problem looks like: stressful job, demanding colleague, overwhelming workload.

But the hidden cause-the thing most people never identify-is this: your self-worth is anchored externally.

You've been defining yourself by how you measure up in others' eyes. When you measure up, you feel good enough. When you don't, you feel like you're failing.

This is why the colleague's comments hit so hard. This is why the crash during training felt so devastating. This is why your brain won't shut off at night.

It's not that the work is too hard. It's that your sense of whether you're okay as a person is riding on whether you're performing up to an external standard.

Research on internal versus external validation reveals something critical: people who rely on internal resources (their values, their strengths, their own standards) have significantly more stable self-esteem than people who rely on external resources (others' opinions, comparative performance, approval).

When your self-worth is anchored externally, every data point becomes emotionally loaded. Her call numbers aren't just information-they're a referendum on whether you're good enough. The new policy training isn't just learning-it's a test of whether you deserve to feel okay about yourself.

This explains why work has consumed so much of your mental space. When your job performance becomes the primary way you measure your worth, work isn't just work anymore. It's your identity. It's the answer to "Am I okay?"

But here's what you said about your success vision: work is just one part of identity.

You're also someone who's working on relationships-you can go out with your partner's mum now, which is meaningful progress. You're someone who makes jewelry and enjoys the creative process. You're someone who's getting back into reading and self-care.

These parts of you-are they valuable because someone else says so? Or are they valuable because they matter to you?

The root cause isn't your colleague's behavior or your job's demands. It's that you've been measuring yourself by whether you win the external comparison, instead of whether you're living according to your own values.

When you shift to internal validation, work becomes one part of your life-not the whole measure of your worth. Your colleague's numbers become information about her, not a judgment of you. Your progress becomes visible because you're looking at the right data.

The hidden cause of the exhaustion, the sleeplessness, the feeling that everything's getting on top of you: you've been trying to build self-worth using a method that can't produce it.

External validation is temporary. It has to be constantly renewed. It fluctuates with every comparison. It drains energy because your brain has to constantly scan for how you measure up.

Internal validation is stable. It's based on your values and your progress. It produces evidence your brain can actually use.

This is the root you never knew: the problem isn't that you need to perform better at work. It's that you need to stop defining yourself by work performance alone.

Where This Comparison Trap Takes You In 6 Months

Imagine six months from now, still running the same program.

Your colleague still asks about call numbers. You still feel the tightness in your chest. You still measure yourself against her standard and find yourself lacking.

Your brain still won't shut off at night. You're still replaying the interactions, calculating the gap, wondering how to close it. Sleep continues to be difficult. You wake up already anxious about the comparison you'll face today.

When the next round of new policy training comes, you still crash. Because your mental energy is still being drained by the background comparison program, leaving less capacity for learning.

You keep pushing through the three-hour commute, the back-to-back calls with no breaks. You keep telling yourself you should be able to handle it because she seems to handle it. The exhaustion compounds.

Work continues to consume your mental space. Ring-making falls away because you don't have energy for it. Reading stops again. Workouts become inconsistent. The parts of your life that were giving you internal validation-the evidence that you're making progress on your own terms-shrink.

Your identity narrows back down to job performance. And because job performance is measured against her standard, you continue to feel like you're failing.

The cost of not acting: your life stays organized around proving you're good enough by someone else's measuring stick. The comparison loop continues to drain you. The sleep problems persist. The sense that everything's getting on top of you doesn't improve-it gets worse.

Because the longer you run the external validation program, the more entrenched it becomes. The more your brain defaults to comparison. The more your self-worth fluctuates with every interaction.

Without this shift, nothing fundamentally changes. The specific stressors might vary, but the underlying mechanism-the one depleting your energy and reducing your performance-keeps running.

What Becomes Possible When You Change The Measuring Stick

But imagine the alternative.

Six months from now, you've been tracking your own progress daily. You have evidence-concrete, written evidence-of how you've improved. You can see that you handle difficult calls more smoothly than you did. You understand the policies better than you did. You've built small recovery breaks into your day that make the workload sustainable.

When your colleague asks about call numbers, you don't feel the chest tightness anymore. Her question is just her question-it's not a judgment of your worth. You opt out with a simple response and return to your own focus.

Your brain has something to process at night besides comparison anxiety. It has evidence of your actual progress. Sleep improves because you're not running the depletion loop. You wake up with energy because you're not starting the day already drained.

When new challenges come-and they will-you don't crash. Because your mental energy isn't being siphoned off by constant comparison. You have capacity to learn because you're not simultaneously trying to measure up to an external standard.

Work is one part of your life again. You have energy for ring-making, for reading, for workouts, for relationships. These aren't luxuries you'll get to when work calms down. They're the evidence you use to validate yourself internally.

Your identity expands beyond job performance. You're someone who's improving in multiple areas, by your own standards. The colleague's performance becomes irrelevant to how you feel about yourself.

What becomes possible: you build stable self-worth that doesn't fluctuate with every external comparison. Your performance actually improves because you're not fighting the ego depletion cycle. You sleep better, work more sustainably, and have energy for the parts of life that matter to you.

The specific improvements:

Mental energy that's currently drained by comparison becomes available for actual work and life
Sleep quality improves as your brain processes evidence instead of anxiety
Performance increases because you're not fighting yourself
Self-worth stabilizes because it's anchored in your values, not others' opinions
Life expands beyond work because you're not using job performance as the sole measure of your worth

You already know how to do this. You already do it with reading, workouts, and ring-making. This is just extending that same internal validation approach to work.

The research is clear: internal validation produces better outcomes than external validation. Growth mindset produces measurable improvements. Self-compassion enhances performance while reducing anxiety.

You're not adopting some radical new approach. You're applying what already works in other parts of your life to the area where you've been stuck in the comparison trap.

Your First Move Tonight

So here's what separates the two paths:

Tonight, before bed, write down one thing you did today that was better than yesterday. Not better than your colleague. Better than yesterday-you.

It might be: "I stayed calmer during a stressful call." It might be: "I understood a policy section I was confused about before." It might be: "I took a five-minute break instead of powering through."

Write it down. Give your brain evidence to process instead of comparison anxiety.

Tomorrow, when your colleague asks about call numbers-or starts telling you hers-use one of your opt-out responses: "I'm focusing on quality over quantity" or "I'm not tracking it that way."

You're not being confrontational. You're protecting your measuring stick.

This week, build in one five-minute break. After lunch, before your first afternoon call. Not as wasted time. As choosing your own standard of sustainable work.

These aren't huge changes. They're the smallest possible moves in the right direction.

But they shift which program you're running: external validation or internal validation. Comparison to her or comparison to yesterday-you. Ego depletion or evidence building.

The research shows what happens when you make this shift. Your brain stops running the comparison loop in the background. Your mental energy becomes available for actual work and life. Your performance improves. Your self-worth stabilizes.

You already have everything you need. You already know how to use internal validation-you do it with reading and ring-making and workouts. You already have the capacity to improve-you've shown that in relationships and self-care.

This is just choosing to use your own measuring stick for work, too.

The question isn't whether you can do this. It's whether you'll choose to start tonight.