Work Related Anxiety · People Pushing Your Buttons · How to Stop People's Harsh Words From Becoming Lasting Wounds · Lesson 5 of 5
How to Stop People's Harsh Words From Becoming Lasting Wounds
Someone’s harsh words still hurt, despite your efforts to move on. How can you stop hurting when you’ve already tried so hard?
You hope time will make you feel better. You try to forget what was said and wait for the hurt to fade.
But time alone may not change how those words affect you. Past criticism can still shape how you see yourself, even if you don’t realise those words are influencing you.
It is possible to understand why those words still hurt. You can begin to see patterns in your life that you hadn’t connected to past criticism.
In this video, you’ll learn about a system to help reduce the lasting harm of harsh words.
You could make choices with less self-doubt. Past criticism could have less influence over the relationships you choose and the opportunities you pursue.
Even if moving forward has felt hard, this video offers a reason to hope that the hurt can ease.
Time Can't Heal Cruel Remarks From Childhood (This Changes It All)
Before you watchVideo 01
If harsh words have hurt you, you may also feel frustrated by how you act when you’re hurting.
For example, a rule like “I must never make mistakes” may lead you to hide mistakes because you fear upsetting your loving partner. While you wait for the hurt to fade, hiding your mistakes may shut your partner out.
You don’t have to wait for the hurt to fade before you question that rule. Try putting the rule to the test: tell your partner when you make a mistake, even if you fear they’ll be upset. Your honesty can help your partner feel trusted and give them a chance to help.
Watch the video below to learn how to stop hurtful childhood remarks from shaping how you act today.
WatchVideo 01
How Harsh Criticism Makes Trauma Survivors Mistake Rules for Personality
Before you watchVideo 02
If harsh words always hurt you, you may think, “I’m just sensitive.” But could a rule you’ve learned be adding to the hurt?
For example, you may have learned, “I must hide what I don’t know.” If someone makes a harsh comment about something you don’t know, the comment may hurt more because you believe you should have kept that hidden.
Calling yourself “just sensitive” may stop you from noticing how that rule adds to the hurt. You may want to accept yourself as you are. But accepting yourself doesn’t mean you have to keep every rule you’ve learned.
Think of a harsh comment that hurt you. Did feeling you had to hide what you didn’t know make the comment hurt more? If so, ask yourself, “Do I still need to hide what I don’t know?” Questioning that rule may help ease the hurt without changing who you are.
To learn how harsh criticism can make trauma survivors mistake learned rules for personality, watch the video below.
WatchVideo 02
What Happens If You Drop People Pleasing Rules and Risk Harsh Words?
Before you watchVideo 03
You know a particular boss is wrong, but you still find it hard to speak up. With other bosses, you speak with ease. Speaking up to that one boss may mean questioning the rules you’ve learned about when to stay quiet. And questioning those rules may be the hardest part.
Could questioning those rules help you speak up? Or do you stay quiet and blame yourself for how your boss acts?
Start by noticing what changes from one boss to the next. Which boss do you freeze around? Which boss can you speak freely with? Then ask yourself: what rule have I learned about staying quiet around this boss?
You can question the rule that keeps you quiet and still hold your boss responsible for their actions.
Want help questioning the rules that keep you quiet? Comment “RULES” for my guide: “Transcripts — How to Stop People's Harsh Words From Becoming Lasting Wounds.”
Would you like to watch the video below about questioning the rule that you must please other people to avoid harsh words?
WatchVideo 03
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
The Psychology of People Who Unknowingly Self-Sabotage With Put-Downs
Before you watchVideo 04
When someone’s words bring back old pain, you can choose how you respond. You don’t have to let that pain shape how you live.
You want to protect yourself from being hurt again. But could the rules you learned to keep yourself safe now make you shut someone out because of what another person did?
Try this: when someone’s words bring back old hurt, pause before you respond. Ask yourself, “What rule did I learn from being hurt before? Is that rule making me want to pull away now?”
Leaving may feel safer. But pausing gives you time to hear what the person is saying without holding them responsible for another person’s actions.
Watch the video below to learn how put-downs can lead you to shut people out without meaning to.
WatchVideo 04
Expanding insight
Expanding insight
Expanding insight
A familiar tone of voice can trigger fear. But the tone alone does not prove that the person speaking will hurt you. Video 4 shows how a tone linked to an old rule can activate that rule.
In the videos’ examples, hearing disappointment activates the rule: “If I disappoint someone, harm will follow.” You feel you must not disappoint that person because you fear what they will do next.
Video 1 describes a partner as “quite loving and quite encouraging.” Yet the old rule predicts, “Horrible things are going to happen.” You hear disappointment in your partner’s voice, and the old rule leads you to expect punishment, even without evidence that your partner will punish you.
That expectation can shape your reaction before your partner does anything to hurt you. Your fear comes partly from what you expect to happen, rather than only from what is happening now. This does not mean you are at fault for your reaction.
But a threat can also be real. Suppose your boss threatens your job during a dispute. Your boss has real power over your work, so the threat matters. An old rule may add to your fear, but recognising that rule does not mean you should dismiss the present threat.
The pattern is this: a tone of voice activates an old rule about what will happen next. The rule leads you to expect harm, and you react to that expected harm. Recognising the prediction may not ease your fear. Video 5 addresses how to respond when you still feel that the predicted harm will happen.
Why Cartoon Emotional Regulation Really Beats Insults (According to Therapy)
Before you watchVideo 05
When someone hurts you, it can be hard to tell them how you feel. Picturing them as Tweety Pie may seem silly. But if that image makes you laugh while you’re talking to them, they might think you’re making fun of them.
Before you speak to them, take a short break on your own. That quiet pause can help you speak calmly, without laughing and making them feel mocked.
Comment “CALM” to read “Transcripts — How to Stop People's Harsh Words From Becoming Lasting Wounds.”
To see how picturing someone as a cartoon character can help you respond calmly to insults, watch the video below.
WatchVideo 05
LessonClose
Lesson close
You’ve been exploring a hard question: why do harsh words affect you so much? You learned to look for rules you hold yourself to, such as “I must never disappoint anyone.” You also learned to notice who says the words that trigger those reactions. These rules are things you learned, not truths about who you are. You can question them.
This week, think back to a recent harsh remark. What exactly did the person say, and what did those words mean to you? Look for a rule you were holding yourself to, such as “I must never get it wrong.” Does that rule feel familiar? Who else says things that bring out the same reaction in you?
You don’t have to feel calm straight away. If you struggle to speak, step away for a breather. Return when you feel calmer and safe. Try these questions again during the week. Notice when harsh words affect you deeply and when you react differently. What is different about those situations?
Over the next few months, you can get clearer about what triggers these reactions. You may find it easier to admit you don’t know something or to disagree without assuming you’ve failed. You can care about others without agreeing to everything they ask.
Start with one harsh remark. Notice the rule you were holding yourself to, and gently question it.