"I just don't get it!"

Sarah shouted, hands trembling as she gripped the steering wheel.

3 months ago, life with Alex seemed perfect.

His passion and determination to succeed drew her in. Now it was tearing them apart.

Another late night at the office. Another missed dinner. Alex's drive to get ahead left little room for family. His intense focus became callous neglect.

Sarah pictured their last vicious fight. Alex accusing her of trying to hold him back. Her calling him an indifferent workaholic. Their screaming match woke the kids.

She tightened her grip, knuckles white. Where did things go wrong? Alex's greatest strength, the fire that fueled his ambition, now scorched their relationship to ash.

Sarah blinked back tears, a sob catching in her throat. She saw only his flaws now, blinded by pain. The man she fell in love with buried under searing resentment.

The cruel twist - our virtues cast shadows we cannot see. We rarely look at our own actions objectively.

Alex couldn't step back. Nor could she. And so darkness devoured their light.

Where do most relationship problems come from?

The bitter irony is that the very traits that draw us to our partners can become the toxic seeds that corrode intimacy over time.

Our admired attributes contain hidden flaws lying dormant, waiting to be activated. The most well-intentioned character strengths still cast shadows, creating blind spots that distort the health of our bonds.

We must stare unflinchingly at even our best qualities to see the darkness clinging to the light. Our sensitivity can morph into constant criticism.

Generosity can enable exploitation. Standing firm in beliefs can become unyielding stubbornness. Perceptive intuition can slide into suspicious mistrust.

The path forward requires embracing the totality of who we are - strengths and weaknesses, virtues and flaws - with radical honesty, courageous vulnerability, and steadfast commitment to growth.

Only then can we hope to build relationships where brokenness is transformed into wholeness.

But did you know that...

Our character strengths are like the blades of a fan. 

When you first look at a fan, what you see are the blades, their clean lines, and how they effectively create a breeze that cools the room. These blades, like our most cherished personal traits, are the most visible parts of us and are often what draw others towards us.

Now, imagine the fan as it starts to speed up.

The faster it spins, the more invisible the blades become. In relationships, as we become more comfortable and confident, our dominant traits become part of our unconscious behavior - they become invisible to us, much like the blades of a spinning fan.

This invisibility of our qualities can lead to neglect, overuse, and ultimately, can be a source of friction in relationships.

Imagine the fan running at full speed on a sweltering day, providing much-needed relief.

Yet, if a small paper clip gets drawn into this whirlwind, it can cause a harsh, jarring noise, even damaging the fan.

Similarly, the traits that were once admired in us can become sources of conflict when they intersect with the 'paper clips' in our relationships - unmet expectations, different communication styles, or emotional baggage.

Finally, the blades of the fan, while vital for its function, are only one part of a complex machine. In isolation, they're just pieces of shaped metal.

Without the motor to power them and the frame to support them, they serve no purpose.

Similarly, our best traits, in isolation, can't build or sustain a relationship.

It's how these traits interact with our other qualities, our partner's traits, and the dynamics of the relationship that determine whether they will be a source of strength or a cause of conflict.

This analogy reveals the astonishing truth - the same traits that make us desirable can also cause damage.

It's a perspective that shakes the foundations of our understanding and encourages us to think more deeply about the way we perceive ourselves and our relationships.

Okay let's take the fan blade analogy further to help us understand how we can avoid this trap...

How to stop your strenghts from ruining your relationships

The Rusting Axis - Vulnerability in Strengths:

In the heart of a fan is an axis that holds the blades, constantly spinning and susceptible to rust over time.

This is akin to the vulnerability in our strengths that we often overlook. Rusting isn't immediate, but a gradual process, similar to how our admired qualities can subtly corrode our relationships if not checked.

It's startling, as rust is rarely associated with strength, yet in reality, the strongest axis may rust if it lacks maintenance.

While the rusting of our virtues happens slowly over time, the first step to prevention is becoming aware of our true strengths.

1. Unravel the Spin: Discern Your Strengths Understanding where your strengths lie is akin to identifying the fan's spinning axis. It's startling to consider how often we use our strengths without fully understanding them. For example, a person might be charismatic and excel at rallying people around ideas. The unexpected step here is to focus not just on the effectiveness of this trait, but to consider how it might inadvertently minimize others' input, or even create a dependence on popularity for self-validation.
2. Oiling the Axis: Practice Flexibility Much like an axis needs oiling to prevent rusting, our strengths require flexibility. We need to adapt and adjust them according to the changing dynamics of our relationships. For instance, someone highly independent might start incorporating their partner's opinions more frequently. This challenges the notion that independence, a commonly admired trait, could make a partner feel unneeded if not flexibly applied.
3. Detecting Rust Early: Regular Self-Reflection Regular self-reflection is like a rust detector for the axis of your strengths. This does not involve meditation but rather conscious thinking about our actions and their impacts. Consider an individual with an incredible work ethic; they may need to reflect on whether their commitment to work is crowding out the time and energy they have for their relationship. It's unexpected because we rarely associate high work ethic with potential relationship strain.
4. Polishing the Axis: Open Communication Just as the axis of a fan requires polishing to maintain its smooth operation, open communication in a relationship can maintain the positive aspects of our strengths while mitigating their potential drawbacks. It is surprising, yet true, that speaking openly about our strengths and their potential negative impact can be as beneficial to a relationship as discussing our weaknesses. For instance, a person whose strength is their great sense of humor could openly discuss with their partner how this trait could inadvertently be used to deflect serious conversations, and together, they could find ways to ensure humor enriches rather than evades.
5. Adjusting the Fan Speed: Modulation of Traits Adjusting the fan speed as per the room's requirements is like modulating our traits as per the relationship's needs. We don't always need to operate at full power. A naturally assertive person, for example, might need to consciously dial back their assertiveness in moments when their partner needs to feel heard or validated. The twist here is that we're often told to be ourselves, but this suggests that being our best self in a relationship sometimes means being less of our 'strong' self.

The Wobble - Balance in Self-Awareness:

A fan might wobble if not properly balanced, reflecting the essential need for balanced self-awareness. An unexpected twist here is that we consider a wobble as a sign of defect, whereas in the context of self-awareness, it signals the need to reevaluate and rebalance our strengths and weaknesses.

The truth is that a fan wobbles when it lacks equilibrium. So too we must periodically embrace the uncertainty of our own "wobbles" to find clarity. How can we apply this concept?

1. Stabilizing the Wobble: Honesty in Self-Evaluation This step entails the unexpected act of allowing oneself to wobble, to experience moments of imbalance as a pathway to truth. A practical example is an individual renowned for their punctuality may need to honestly evaluate whether this trait makes them inflexible and anxious about any deviation from schedule, even when it might be more advantageous or pleasurable to be flexible.
2. Feeling the Tremors: Acknowledge the Weakness in Strength This step encourages a surprising twist in how we view our strengths, accepting that they are not absolute. Just as a fan wobbles when its balance is off, so does our self-perception when we fail to see the potential pitfalls of our strengths. For example, a person who is highly logical might need to acknowledge that their strength can sometimes make them seem cold or dismissive of others' feelings.
3. Rebalancing the Fan: Actively Seek Feedback In order to re-balance a wobbly fan, it's crucial to seek input from different angles. Similarly, actively seeking feedback from friends, family, and romantic partners can provide us with insights that we might have overlooked. It's surprising, but someone renowned for their listening skills may not realize that people feel they are only being listened to, but not understood or empathized with.
4. Adding Weight Where Needed: Compensation Sometimes, a wobbly fan can be stabilized by adding weight in the right places. Likewise, recognizing the areas where our strengths create imbalance allows us to compensate with other attributes. For instance, an individual who is good at planning can consciously create unplanned moments to balance their tendency towards rigidity. This defies the conventional wisdom that maximizing our strengths is always beneficial.
5. Keep Checking for the Wobble: Continuous Assessment A fan may require re-balancing over time, and so does our understanding of our strengths and weaknesses. The unexpected twist is that continuous reassessment, not the eradication of the wobble, is the path to balance. For example, a person whose strength is empathy might have to consistently reassess to ensure they're not becoming overly emotionally involved or burdened by others' problems. This challenges the notion that self-awareness is a one-time achievement rather than an ongoing process.

The Blade's Edge - The Dual Nature of Qualities:

The edge of the fan blade can be seen as a metaphor for the dual nature of our qualities. Its purpose is to cut the air, creating a comforting breeze. Yet, an encounter with a human hand can result in injury. This mirrors our traits - they can be beneficial, but they can also cause harm in relationships if not navigated carefully. I

The blade's double edge reminds us that facing the two sides of our qualities requires courage. To touch the blade is to confront our traits' capacity for both comfort and harm. How does this apply?

1. Touching the Blade: Courageous Confrontation The first step is to be willing to touch the edge of the blade, to confront the dual nature of your traits bravely. For instance, a person with exceptional determination may have to confront the fact that their tenacity can turn into stubbornness, making them resistant to compromise.
2. Smoothing the Edges: Adaptive Softening The second step is to learn to smooth the edges of your traits when necessary. Like filing the edge of a blade to prevent accidental injuries, one can adapt their traits to different situations. For example, a person praised for their directness could practice delivering feedback more tactfully to avoid hurting others' feelings.
3. Knowing When to Cut: Contextual Awareness This step involves understanding that the cutting edge of a blade is not always harmful; it depends on how it's used. Similarly, a trait can be beneficial or detrimental depending on the context. An individual who is known for their attention to detail might need to understand that there are situations, like in brainstorming sessions, where this trait might stifle creativity.
4. Appreciating the Blade: Embrace the Dual Nature Just as a blade's edge is integral to the fan's function, your traits are crucial to who you are. It's essential to appreciate your traits for their benefits and potential drawbacks. A person who is incredibly driven should appreciate their drive but also acknowledge that it could lead to burnout or neglecting other aspects of their life.
5. Safety Cage of Empathy: Protecting Others A fan typically has a safety cage to protect from accidental injuries. Similarly, developing empathy can protect others from the potentially harmful aspects of your traits. For example, an extremely competitive person can develop empathy to understand how their competitive nature might negatively impact others around them, thus adjusting their behavior in a more considerate way. This adds an unexpected perspective that it's not about eliminating the edge but protecting others from it.

The Silent Scream of Overuse - Growth Through Restraint:

When a fan is used continuously for a long time, it can overheat and damage the motor, a phenomenon often unnoticed until it's too late. This can serve as a metaphor for the need for growth through restraint. Our strengths, when overused or misapplied, can become detrimental to our relationships.

How can we prevent that?

1. The Overheat Indicator - Acknowledge the Signals: Often, our relationships show us the first signs of 'overheat.' Acknowledge those signs and understand they indicate an 'overuse' of your strengths. For instance, if you're constantly praised for your wit and humor, you might end up making jokes at inappropriate times or at the expense of others, creating discomfort or embarrassment. Recognize when laughter starts to feel forced or uncomfortable as an 'overheat' signal.
2. Switch Off Regularly - Practice Restraint: Just like a fan needs to be switched off to prevent overheating, restrain the use of your strengths from time to time. An example can be a highly empathetic person who might end up overextending themselves to help others, neglecting their own needs. To prevent this, they can set limits on their availability and learn to say 'no.'
3. Temperature Check - Regular Self-Assessment: Take time to perform regular 'temperature checks' on your behavior and reactions. A naturally assertive person might overuse their assertiveness and come off as aggressive. Regular self-assessment allows them to catch and correct such instances before they cause damage.
4. Alternate Speeds - Adaptability: A fan has different speed settings for different situations. Similarly, be adaptable with your strengths. If you're a person with excellent problem-solving skills, you might jump into solution-mode when someone shares a problem. But sometimes, people want empathy and understanding, not solutions. Adapt your 'speed' to match the situation's needs.
5. Maintenance Breaks - Reflect and Learn: Just as a fan needs regular maintenance, take 'breaks' to reflect and learn. If you're highly ambitious and goal-oriented, you might find yourself overlooking the emotional needs of your partner in your pursuit of success. Reflecting on this can help you learn to balance ambition with empathy in your relationships. This unexpected step emphasizes that even the most driven people need pauses for maintenance.

The Energy Consumption - Reciprocal Influence:

A fan uses energy to operate and, in doing so, transforms the environment around it. This can symbolize the reciprocal influence we have with our relationships. Our traits affect our partners, and in return, they influence us. The twist here lies in viewing energy not just as something consumed, but also as something that changes the consumer.

How can you use this Idea practically?

1. The Unexpected Feedback Loop - Absorb and Respond: Relationships are dynamic systems, constantly exchanging energy. When we project a trait, our partner absorbs it and responds, feeding energy back to us. For example, if your self-sufficiency causes you to dominate tasks, your partner may become passive. Recognize this passivity as feedback, not laziness, and adjust your behavior to encourage shared responsibility.
2. The Energy Transformation - Be Open to Change: When a fan consumes electricity, it transforms it into motion and a cooling breeze. Similarly, be open to the changes your partner's traits induce in you. If your partner is more adventurous, instead of resisting change, let their spontaneity 'transform' your usual cautious approach into a willingness to experience new things.
3. The Circuit Breaker - Identify and Disrupt Negative Cycles: Like a circuit breaker that interrupts an electric circuit to prevent excessive current, identify and break negative cycles in your relationship. If your assertiveness causes your partner to retreat, leading to even more assertiveness from you, recognize this cycle. Break it by consciously softening your approach.
4. The Power Surge - Capitalize on Positive Influence: A power surge is an unexpected increase in voltage. In relationships, a positive change in one partner can lead to a 'surge' in the other. If your partner's love for reading makes them more knowledgeable, let this surge your curiosity instead of feeling intimidated by their intellect.
5. The Energy Conservation - Balance Exertion and Recharge: A fan needs periods of non-use to avoid overheating. Similarly, give your relationship periods of 'recharge.' If your perfectionism pushes your partner to constantly improve, remember to also provide them with periods of acceptance and rest to avoid burnout. This unexpected step challenges the common belief that constant effort equals growth.

In conclusion...

The Dance of Mutual Influence: How to Ensure an evironmentof love and growth in your relationships

As a fan has the power to transform its environment, we too hold that power within our relationships.

But, it is not a one-way journey. We are shaped in return, evolving, growing, and changing alongside those we hold close.

Recognizing this reciprocal nature in our relationships guides us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In the intertwining dance of connection, even our best traits may sometimes falter, yet in acknowledging this, we find strength.

As we step forward on this journey of understanding, we bear the potential to refine our relationships, ensuring they serve as a source of mutual growth and shared strength. Embrace this truth, for it is in this acceptance,