Work Related Anxiety · Surviving a Toxic Boss · The 60-second method to stop fearing what your toxic boss will do next · Lesson 3 of 4
The 60-second method to stop fearing what your toxic boss will do next
Your boss’s behavior keeps changing, leaving you unsure what to expect. You wonder: “Can I stop fearing what my boss will do next, even if my boss stays unpredictable?”
You hope a quick trick will stop the fear. You imagine trying it once and feeling calm from then on.
But feeling calm for a moment does not mean the fear is gone. You may still feel tense while waiting for your boss to do something upsetting.
It is possible to understand why that fear persists without excusing your boss’s behavior.
This video introduces the 60 Second Method to help you understand how your boss’s behavior affects your peace of mind, even when nothing upsetting is happening.
You could feel less pressure at work, even if your boss stays unpredictable. Your boss’s behavior may still frustrate you without causing as much distress.
If you have struggled to put that fear into words, this lesson can help you make sense of what you have been experiencing.
What's keeping you addicted to your hot-and-cold boss?
Before you watchVideo 01
Choosing a boss who is always harsh over one who switches between kindness and harshness may seem like a painful way to find calm at work. But with the always-harsh boss, at least you know what to expect.
You want peace. But is knowing what to expect worth being treated harshly every day?
It may help more to understand why your boss’s shifts between kindness and harshness leave you so tense. Understanding why you dread those shifts may help you blame yourself less. You don’t have to accept daily harm just to avoid the stress of wondering how your boss will treat you next.
Watch the video below to learn why your employer may overlook hidden signs of anxiety at work.
WatchVideo 01
2 Unhealthy People Pleasing Habits That Keep You Anxious Around a Bullying Boss
Before you watchVideo 02
Why stop tracking your boss’s moods if you’re afraid their harsh words will catch you by surprise?
Watching every mood shift and checking your work again and again can leave you on edge. And even after all that effort, your boss may still find fault.
Try to let go of the belief that watching your boss’s moods and repeatedly checking your work will keep you from being blamed. Working harder can’t make a moody boss treat you fairly. Once you recognise that more effort won’t guarantee fair treatment, you may blame yourself less when your boss finds fault.
Want to learn more about people pleasing around a bullying boss? Then watch the video below, “2 Unhealthy People Pleasing Habits That Keep You Anxious Around a Bullying Boss.”
WatchVideo 02
The Psychology of Emotionally Immature Managers Who Use Gossip
Before you watchVideo 03
Should you stop seeking your boss’s praise when their kind words turn cruel? Even then, you may wonder whether you did something wrong.
You might ask coworkers for advice on keeping your boss happy, hoping that pleasing your boss will stop the cruelty. But what you share in confidence could reach your boss, who may use your words to hurt you.
Trying to please your boss can put you at greater risk of harm. Understanding that risk may help you blame yourself less when your best efforts don’t change how your boss treats you.
Does your boss keep switching between kindness and cruelty? My article looks at why trying to please your boss can leave you more open to harm.
You can watch the video below for more on the psychology of emotionally immature managers who use gossip.
WatchVideo 03
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
Emotional Regulation vs Pleasing a Supervisor, Which Is Better?
Before you watchVideo 04
Would you like to spend less time guessing how your boss feels, even when their words and actions leave you tense?
When you try to please your boss, does it keep them happy? Does it also make you afraid to speak up when they give you tasks you don’t know how to do?
Start by noticing how you react when your boss’s mood changes. Recognising your reactions may help you feel calmer, even if your boss is still hard to read. When you feel calmer, you may find it easier to speak up about unfair tasks.
Watch the video below to explore how calming yourself compares with trying to please your boss.
WatchVideo 04
Addressing obstacle
Addressing obstacle
Addressing obstacle
“Why should I work on my response when my manager is the one mistreating me?”
Video 4 asks you to focus on your own response. That advice may sound like another demand to put up with your manager’s mistreatment.
But Video 4 acknowledges that your manager’s behaviour may not change: “And often it works in a way where the manager is still very toxic. It's still very unpredictable.” The method doesn’t promise to fix your manager.
Can you feel calmer and still object to mistreatment? Yes. Working on your response doesn’t mean you approve of your manager’s behaviour. You can still speak up and refuse your manager’s demands.
Video 4 describes a client “being able to feel calmer and able to cope”. The same client also “found [the client’s] voice in one meeting and challenged [her manager] back.” This example shows how feeling calmer can go with speaking up, but it doesn’t promise the same outcome for you.
You can learn the method without giving up your right to object. So how do you use the method when your manager provokes you?
What's Emotional Regulation Giving You Back With a Toxic Boss?
Before you watchVideo 05
Learning to respond calmly and clearly to a toxic boss takes practice. You can build that skill outside work, too.
When you first start practicing, you may still struggle to find your words when your boss talks over you.
To help, practice calming yourself outside work, even when your boss isn’t there to upset you. Over time, this practice may help you stay calm and think clearly when your boss interrupts, so you can choose what to say.
Does your toxic boss leave you too upset to speak? Watch the video below to see what emotional regulation can give you back when you have a toxic boss.
WatchVideo 05
Best emotional regulation script for a difficult supervisor
Before you watchVideo 06
Your boss is usually hostile, but today they praise you. You start to relax. Do you take the praise as a sign that your boss will keep treating you kindly, or do you stay prepared for another harsh remark?
Of course you want to feel at ease when your boss is kind. Who wouldn’t? But expecting that kindness to last could leave you caught off guard if your boss turns harsh again.
You can enjoy the praise while deciding how you’ll respond if your boss makes another harsh remark. Having a reply ready can help you stay calm and feel more prepared, even if your boss’s behaviour doesn’t change.
Watch the video below for a script to help you stay calm when dealing with a difficult boss.
WatchVideo 06
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
How toxic bosses disrupt emotional regulation without warning
Before you watchVideo 07
When you practise giving your boss a clear, calm reply, do you leave room for the possibility that you might still freeze?
If you freeze despite trying your best, will you take it as a sign that you’ve lost progress? Will you blame yourself for not responding the way you practised?
You can plan what to say and still freeze when your boss catches you off guard. Freezing doesn’t mean you’ve lost what you’ve learned. You can trust yourself and keep practising without blaming yourself when a reply doesn’t go as planned.
Watch the video below to see how your boss can disrupt your ability to stay calm without warning.
WatchVideo 07
Addressing obstacle
Addressing obstacle
Addressing obstacle
You practised what to say, but your reply only came to mind after the moment had passed. Why keep practising if you can’t remember your reply when you need it?
Knowing what you want to say doesn’t mean you can recall those words under stress. When you remember too late, it makes sense to wonder whether practice is helping.
For example, your manager snaps at you. Only after you leave do you remember what you wanted to say. Video 7 describes this: “After the event, you realize, oh, I wanted to do something different then.”
With practice, you may start to remember your reply while you’re still speaking with your manager, or even before the conversation begins. There’s no fixed timeline for that change.
What can you do when your reply comes to mind too late? Use that moment to practise for next time, rather than blame yourself for what happened.
Choose one reply you wish you’d used. Write it down, then practise saying it aloud. Focus on practising that reply rather than judging how you acted.
Remembering afterward doesn’t have to mean you’ve failed. It can be a chance to practise. But how does changing your response help if your manager doesn’t change? Watch Video 8.
Why Emotional Regulation Works for Micromanagers (According to Therapy)
Before you watchVideo 08
Would you speak calmly to your boss when they speak harshly to you, even if they keep finding fault with you?
Would speaking calmly help you feel more at ease? Or would your boss think your calm tone means you accept how they treat you?
Plan what you’ll say so you can speak calmly and still make it clear that your boss’s harsh words aren’t okay. Knowing what to say may help you feel calmer, even if your boss keeps finding fault with you.
Want to know why emotional regulation can help you deal with a micromanaging boss? Then watch the video below.
WatchVideo 08
LessonClose
Lesson close
You can learn to feel calmer. You deserve time to think before you reply.
You’ve learned why a boss who switches between kindness and cruelty can leave you anxious. You’ve also learned ways to calm your body, spot situations you’ve faced before, and plan what to say. You now have more ways to respond, rather than trying to guess what will please your boss.
This week, start practising outside work. Take a deep breath and press your foot against the ground. Think of a past encounter with your boss. Write down what you’d like to say if a similar situation happens again.
Practise saying, “Let me check the data so I can give you the right answer.” Keep practising throughout the week. Expect to make mistakes as you learn, and try not to blame yourself for them. If your boss keeps pressing for an answer, you can repeat the same reply.
A month from now, you may notice sooner when you start to feel anxious. You may find it easier to speak in situations where you once felt too anxious to say anything. Your boss may still be difficult, but you may feel more able to respond calmly.
Give yourself time to practise what you want to say.