Work Related Anxiety · Surviving a Toxic Boss · How to stop being a target for a toxic boss · Lesson 1 of 4
How To Stop Being A Target For A Toxic Boss
You dread facing your toxic boss again. You wonder, “How can I stop being targeted when I’m already worn out?”
You hope doing better work will stop the criticism. Perhaps if you try harder, your boss will finally leave you alone.
But working harder may exhaust you without stopping the criticism. Your boss may take advantage of how you respond under pressure. Your boss is still responsible for their own behaviour.
You can understand how you respond to your boss and why work leaves you so drained. You don’t need a background in psychology to make sense of what you’re experiencing.
This lesson will help you understand the patterns a toxic boss may exploit and why getting through the workday can take so much out of you.
The aim is to help you feel calmer around your manager and think more clearly under pressure. You may then have more energy for life outside work.
If you’ve been quietly asking, “Am I good enough at my job?”, this lesson can help you make sense of that doubt.
What's Childhood Trauma Making You Call a Toxic Manager Problem?
Before you watchVideo 01
Should you explore why your boss’s frowning scares you, even though your boss is at fault?
Understanding where your fear comes from can help. But knowing why you feel scared does not mean you are to blame for how your boss treats you.
Try asking: “Does my boss’s frowning remind me of being scared as a child?” This question can help you understand your response. It does not excuse your boss’s behaviour. You can recognise fear from your past and still hold your boss responsible for frowning at you.
Understanding how you learned to fear frowning may help you feel less ashamed of being scared. When you feel less ashamed, you may find it easier to decide what to do next.
To learn how childhood trauma can affect you at work, watch the video below, “What's Childhood Trauma Making You Call a Toxic Manager Problem?”
WatchVideo 01
What's stopping your people pleasing recovery with an abusive manager?
Before you watchVideo 02
When you're giving all you can and your boss still asks for more, it's easy to think you're not doing enough. Trying harder to win your boss's approval may feel safer than asking whether your boss's demands are fair.
You want your boss to think well of you. But saying yes to every new task may lead your boss to expect more from you than from your peers. You may then blame yourself for failing to meet those unfair demands.
Before you take on more to earn your boss's approval, pause. Have you done something wrong, or have you learned to assume you're always at fault? Give yourself time to consider whether your boss is asking too much. When you recognize how your boss takes advantage of your wish to please, you can stop seeing each new demand as proof that you're not good enough.
Want to understand why you keep blaming yourself? Watch the video below: “What's stopping your people pleasing recovery with an abusive manager?”
WatchVideo 02
What Happens When You Stop People Pleasing Your Toxic Boss?
Before you watchVideo 03
Would you say no to more work when you’re already overloaded, even if saying no means a tough chat with your boss?
You want to help, so you say yes. But could saying yes each time make your boss think you have room for more work?
Tell your boss when you can’t take on more work. Then agree with your boss on which tasks to do first. You don’t have to say yes just to keep your boss happy. Clear limits help your boss plan.
If you take on too much work to please your boss, ask yourself why. Do you blame yourself when you can’t do more? Does that self-blame make it harder to say no?
If you want to understand why you feel the need to please people at work, watch the video below, “What Happens When You Stop People Pleasing Your Toxic Boss?”
WatchVideo 03
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
Exploring question
Exploring question
Exploring question
Think of a recent conversation at work when someone suggested something you could improve. They may also have praised your work. Keep that conversation in mind.
In Video 3, someone who already believes “I'm just not good enough” receives praise for their work, followed by one suggestion for improvement. They take that suggestion as proof of what they already believe: “I knew it. I'm just not good enough.”
The suggestion is about their work, but they hear it as a judgment of who they are. You may recognise that shift in how you responded to feedback.
Or you may have focused on the suggested change without judging yourself as a person. You can reflect on either kind of response.
You don't need to remember your exact words or to have reacted like the person in Video 3. If you don't remember what you thought, you don't need to guess.
Think back to your conversation: When you received that feedback, what, if anything, did you tell yourself about yourself?
People Pleasing vs Self-Validation Under a Bullying Boss
Before you watchVideo 04
Can you trust that you’ve done good work when your boss doesn’t praise you? Or does it feel wrong to give yourself credit without your boss’s approval?
Is your work poor, or are you doubting good work because your boss hasn’t praised it?
Start by naming what you did well. Give yourself credit for that work. Recognizing what you’ve done well can help you trust your own judgment, even without praise from your boss.
If you’d like to practice giving yourself credit without waiting for someone else’s approval, watch the video below, “People Pleasing vs Self-Validation Under a Bullying Boss” for a self-validation exercise.
WatchVideo 04
The Psychology of People Pleasers Blamed by a Controlling Manager at Work
Before you watchVideo 05
When your boss finds fault with your work, do you give yourself time to think and let them manage their own mood? Or do you rush to please them?
If you’ve made a mistake, you may want your boss’s approval even more. Does that make it harder to say no when they ask you to take on more work?
Try this: pause and take a breath. Before you agree to more work, ask yourself what you can learn from the mistake.
You may still want your boss’s approval. But seeing the mistake as a chance to learn may help you say no to more work without feeling that you’re bad at your job.
To learn how to pause before agreeing to more work, watch the video below, “The Psychology of People Pleasers Blamed by a Controlling Manager at Work”
WatchVideo 05
What's the Key to Understanding Bullying Manager Trauma Effects?
Before you watchVideo 06
Could finding out why a scent at work upsets you bring back memories you’d rather not face?
You might avoid a coworker who has done nothing wrong because their cologne reminds you of your dad and how he hurt you.
The next time you feel like pulling away from that coworker, pause. Ask yourself what memories their cologne brings back. Then pay attention to how your coworker treats you now.
When your past still hurts, it can be hard to separate what your dad did from how your coworker treats you. Seeing that difference can help you welcome your coworker instead of shutting them out because of the hurt your dad caused.
If you’d like to understand more, watch the video below: “What's the Key to Understanding Bullying Manager Trauma Effects?”
WatchVideo 06
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
Emotional Regulation vs Suppression With a Toxic Manager
Before you watchVideo 07
Can a boss’s harsh words bring back pain you thought you’d left behind?
Does trying to forget that pain help you heal? Or could pushing the pain away make it hurt even more the next time your boss speaks harshly?
To change how you respond, pause before you speak. Take a breath. Give yourself time to name what hurt you and how you felt. Naming your hurt can help you face the pain instead of pushing the pain away. With time, your boss’s harsh words may hurt less.
Watch the video below, “Emotional Regulation vs Suppression With a Toxic Manager” for more on pausing before you react when emotions rise.
WatchVideo 07
Expanding insight
Expanding insight
Expanding insight
You can stay quiet after criticism for different reasons. You might avoid thinking about why the criticism hurt, or you might take time to reflect before replying. Both look like silence. The difference is whether you return to what upset you and question your interpretation of the criticism.
I was causing the people who stayed quiet after my criticism to suppress their feelings. But holding back your words and working through your hurt are different things. Silence alone tells us little about what someone has worked through.
Suppose your manager mocks a mistake in your report. You say nothing, but think, “I’m incapable.” If you avoid examining that thought, you leave the belief that a mistake proves you’re incapable unchallenged.
Reflecting later helps you separate what happened from what you fear it says about you. Your report may need fixing, but a mistake doesn’t prove you’re incapable. And the need for a correction doesn’t justify your manager’s mockery.
You can question your judgment of yourself while still judging the mockery as wrong. Reflection doesn’t require you to excuse how someone treated you.
Pausing gives you time before you reply. Returning to reflect gives you a chance to test the thought “I’m incapable” rather than silently accept it.
But knowing why reflection helps doesn’t explain why it’s hard to think clearly when you’re upset. Video 8 explains why.
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One sentence still needs your clarification: “I was causing the people who stayed quiet after my criticism to suppress their feelings.” I kept that claim, but the post doesn’t explain how you knew they were suppressing their feelings.
If you mean that you *assumed* their silence meant suppression, replace that sentence with:
“I assumed that when people stayed quiet after my criticism, I had caused them to suppress their feelings. But their silence alone couldn’t tell me that.”
The Psychology of People Who Reduce Self-Sabotage Under an Abusive Manager
Before you watchVideo 08
Blaming yourself for going blank around a harsh boss can make an already tense moment harder.
Self-blame can make it harder to think clearly, even when you’re trying your best. You may then make more mistakes, giving your boss more to pick at.
Try to see going blank as a freeze response to harsh words you’ve heard in the past, rather than proof that you’re at fault. Viewing your response this way may ease some stress and help you think more clearly.
To learn more about nervous system dysregulation, watch the video below, “The Psychology of People Who Reduce Self-Sabotage Under an Abusive Manager”
WatchVideo 08
Why Emotion Regulation Really Works With a Toxic Boss (According to Psychology)
Before you watchVideo 09
Could you pause and ask yourself why your boss’s words felt like an attack?
Moving on without thinking about the hurt can feel safe. But if you don’t explore why their words hurt, could you start to see your boss as a threat, even when their feedback is fair?
Take a moment to ask yourself: “What about those words hurt me?” Ask even if you’d rather move on. Naming what you feel can help you hear fair feedback. It can also help you respond in a way that doesn’t leave your boss feeling they need to defend what they said.
Watch the video below, “Why Emotion Regulation Really Works With a Toxic Boss (According to Psychology)”, to learn how to look back at what happened and make sense of what you felt.
WatchVideo 09
Apply for a free Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
This isn’t for everyone.
This is for people who are ready to put time and effort into stabilizing their emotions so they can thrive instead of just surviving — and not just watch videos about it.
The Pattern Mapping Strategy Session
In this free session I will:
- Map the exact pattern that keeps pulling you back — where it started, and what keeps it running.
- Show you one or two changes you can make this same week.
- Work out your precise starting point for full recovery — and which way of working with me fits it.
Guided Emotional Regulation for Bullying Boss Stress Relief
Before you watchVideo 10
When you can’t predict your boss’s mood, you may feel tense around them. That stress takes a toll.
Think back to a tense exchange with your boss. What did your boss say or do that hurt you? Give yourself time to feel that hurt, even if you’d rather move on.
Moving on too quickly may keep you from noticing a pattern. Has your boss hurt you in the same way before?
Naming the words or actions that cause you stress can help you see what keeps you tense. That awareness may help you feel more at ease around your boss.
Watch the video below, “Guided Emotional Regulation for Bullying Boss Stress Relief” to learn two ways to get better at managing your emotions.
WatchVideo 10
LessonClose
Lesson close
You can pause before you react and give your feelings the care they deserve.
You took time to understand difficult feelings at work instead of just pushing through. You learned how past experiences can shape the way you respond to criticism, mistakes, and a manager’s sudden anger. You now have questions you can ask yourself before assuming you’re to blame.
This week, take five minutes after a stressful exchange to ask yourself: What happened? What upset me? Did I doubt myself, fear making a mistake, or feel threatened by authority? Then consider whether your manager behaved fairly.
You don’t have to understand every feeling straight away. Talk with a trusted friend who can help you make sense of your feelings without pushing you toward a confrontation. Taking time to reflect after difficult exchanges can help you decide what to do differently instead of ignoring your feelings.
Over the next month, practice noticing what prompts your reactions. You may find it easier to hear feedback without seeing one mistake as proof that you’re failing. You can also recognize what you do well without waiting for your manager’s praise.
Give yourself time to reflect before you decide how to respond.