How to Stop Turning On Yourself When Things Go Wrong

If you stop blaming yourself for snapping at your child, will you stop trying to do better?

You want to be less harsh with yourself. You also want to be a better parent. So you wonder if you need some self-blame to keep you trying.

But too much self-blame can lead to your child comforting you, when you’re the one who needs to say sorry.

Try this: use just enough self-blame to recognise what you did wrong and say sorry. Then stop blaming yourself.

You might feel you should blame yourself for longer. But when you stop, your child can tell you how they felt without having to make you feel better.

Watch the video below to learn how to make your inner critic more helpful and less harsh.

After a mistake, you may already doubt your worth. Being harsh with yourself can make it harder to feel good enough.

You want to learn from what went wrong. But if you criticise yourself for mistakes and dismiss praise as people “just being nice,” you could end up feeling worthless even when you do well.

Start by accepting praise and giving yourself credit for what you do well. You can learn from your mistakes and still recognise your strengths. Seeing your strengths can help you feel good enough as a person, even when things go wrong.

Do mistakes leave you feeling worthless? Do you find it hard to accept praise? Watch the video below for a closer look at why you might dismiss praise.

On Sunday evening, you might find yourself replaying small mistakes. You want to be kind to yourself, but you don’t want to ignore your faults. You want to work on them.

Does replaying your mistakes help you avoid repeating them? Or does it keep you awake, blaming yourself? You can learn from what happened without being so harsh on yourself.

Focus on the faults you can fix, and notice what you do well, too. Learning from a mistake doesn’t mean you have to keep replaying it. Recognising both your strengths and your faults can help you see that being kind to yourself doesn’t mean being careless.

If you want to handle your emotions without blaming yourself, watch the video below.

Being harsh with yourself makes it harder to stop feeling guilty. One dad learned this after seeing how much his sharp words had hurt his son.

You might blame yourself for days, hoping that feeling guilty will help you be a better parent. But when your child sees you blaming yourself, they may hide their hurt to keep you from feeling worse.

Try this: tell your child that the way you spoke to them was wrong. Then say you’re sorry. When you admit what you did wrong without being harsh with yourself, your child may feel more able to tell you how your words hurt them. They won’t have to comfort you first.

Want to understand the thinking error behind days of self-blame? Watch the video below.

When you make a mistake, calling yourself a fool can feel fair. If you believe you’re a fool, you may see no reason to question the insult.

But does calling yourself a fool help you fix what went wrong? Or does it just add to your self-blame? Harsh self-talk is a learned habit, and you can change it.

The next time you call yourself a fool, try speaking to yourself as you would to a friend who made the same mistake. Kind words may feel strange at first. But they can help you work out how to put things right without being cruel to yourself.

Does your harsh self-talk feel like the truth about who you are? Watch the video below, “Guided Emotional Regulation for Inner Critic Relief.”

Could forgiving a friend for making a mistake help you be kinder to yourself when you make a mistake?

When you’re hard on yourself, you may find it hard to notice the care a friend shows you. You might resent your friend for not caring, even when your friend is trying to help.

Think about how you comfort a friend who has made a mistake. Rather than assuming you can’t be kind to yourself, try offering yourself that same comfort. You may find that you already know how to be kind to yourself.

As you become kinder to yourself, your friend may feel more at ease showing you care because they’re less afraid you’ll reject their support.

If you struggle with self-hatred or self-sabotage after making a mistake, watch the video below.

Does letting go of self-blame mean you’re saying it was okay to snap at your child?

You want to do better. But blaming yourself may make it harder to understand what led you to snap. Without that understanding, you may be more likely to snap again.

The next time you snap, notice the guilt, then try to be less harsh with yourself. Being kinder to yourself may feel like excusing your behaviour. But you can recognise that snapping wasn’t okay without blaming yourself.

You can still work on what led you to snap. Addressing those causes may help you snap less and help your child feel safer with you.

If you want to speak to yourself more kindly, watch the video below.

When you make a mistake, let yourself feel embarrassed. You don’t need to scold yourself, too.

Does harsh self-talk help you heal? Or does it leave you too ashamed to face what went wrong?

Think about how you’d speak to a friend who feels embarrassed after making a mistake. Give yourself the same care. Kind words can ease your shame and help you face your mistake.

Want help being kinder to yourself when things go wrong? Watch the video below to see why learning to manage your emotions can help ease self-loathing.

When you’re worn out, it can be hard to let yourself rest if you feel guilty about stopping. Resting can feel even harder when your family expects you to keep going.

You want to be there for your children. But if you keep pushing yourself when you’re tired, could your children learn that being tired is something to hide? Could they become afraid you’ll judge them for needing a break?

Try telling your children you need to rest, then take a break. You may still feel guilty. Your family may still want you to keep going. But when you let yourself rest without calling yourself weak, you show your children that needing a break is nothing to be ashamed of. You show them they can tell you they’re tired without fear of being judged.

What changes when you stop seeing your family’s harsh treatment as your fault? Watch the video below for more on that question.

When someone makes a harsh remark, you may replay their words in your mind for days. Blaming yourself can feel easier than showing yourself the kindness you’d offer a friend.

You might think back over the remark to see what you can learn from it. But do you end up being harsh with yourself instead, saying things you’d never say to a friend?

To ease the self-blame, ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend if someone had said those same words to them?” Then offer yourself that same kind response. Speaking kindly to yourself can help you cope with the remark without adding to the hurt.

Do you comfort your friends when someone criticises them, but blame yourself for days when someone criticises you? Watch the video below for more on how people pleasing can lead you to punish yourself rather than treat yourself with compassion.

Should you stop going over someone’s criticism of your emails and focus on what you did well instead? What if giving yourself credit feels like making excuses for your mistakes?

You want to take responsibility for your mistakes. But going over the same criticism again and again can wear you out. Over time, you may start to treat that person’s opinion of your work as fact. You may find it harder to notice what you did well.

Try rereading some emails you wrote well to check whether you’re being fair to yourself. Give yourself credit for what you did well. Acknowledging your good work does not mean you’re making excuses for your mistakes. You can own your mistakes and still trust your work.

Do thoughts about your mistakes wear you down? Do you start to accept someone else’s opinion of your work as fact? Watch the video below, "What Happens When Self-Blame Stops Sabotaging You?", to see what changes when you stop being so hard on yourself over mistakes.

When you blame yourself for a mistake, you may forget the advice meant to help you feel calm. Then you may judge yourself for forgetting that advice too. So why use a checklist that gives you five more steps to remember?

CLEAR is meant to help you feel calm. But if you miss a step, you might judge yourself for that too.

You don’t have to remember every step or get each one right. If you remember CLEAR later, you can try it then. With less pressure to follow the checklist perfectly, you can learn to speak to yourself with care when things go wrong.

Do you blame yourself for mistakes, then struggle to remember advice meant to help you feel calm? Watch the video below for my simple CBT rules for dealing with self-blame and self-criticism.

When you fall off your bike and your friends laugh, do you start to doubt your ability to ride? One fall doesn’t erase the years you’ve spent riding well.

Their laughter can hurt, but it doesn’t prove you’re a bad rider. You can learn from the fall without letting their reaction change how you see yourself.

Remember all the times you’ve ridden well. Your past successes still count, even when you make a mistake. Giving yourself credit for those successes can help you trust your ability and be kinder to yourself when you fall.

You can watch the video below for ways to recognise your worth, give yourself credit for your past successes, and treat yourself with kindness when you make a mistake.

When you make a mistake, you may still feel hurt by the harsh words your old teacher used. Trying to understand why those words still hurt can mean facing pain you’d rather avoid.

And asking why you still feel hurt can become another way to blame yourself: “Why am I not over this yet?”

Start by noticing how you speak to yourself after a mistake. Do you repeat the harsh words your teacher once used?

If so, remind yourself that you learned to speak to yourself this way. Harsh self-talk is a learned habit. Recognising where those words came from may not stop the hurt. But knowing how you learned that habit can help you understand your self-talk without blaming yourself for still feeling pain.

If you want to understand how teachers and peers can teach you to hate yourself, watch the video below.