How to Escape the Never Measuring Up Trap

Are you trying to stay upbeat but blaming yourself when you still feel down? Facing your pain can be hard when all you want is to feel good.

You do your best to seem happy for the people you love, even when you’re hurting. But when you can’t feel better, do you start to think there’s something wrong with you?

Try letting yourself feel sad without forcing yourself to feel happy. Putting your pain into words can help you see that feeling low doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Want to know why staying positive doesn’t always help you feel better? Then watch the video below.

When kind thoughts about yourself feel false, I start by helping you understand how harsh self-talk once helped you feel safe. Then we can work on kinder ways to speak to yourself.

If you try to believe kinder thoughts before you understand why you learnt to be harsh with yourself, those thoughts may still feel untrue. You may then blame yourself for struggling to believe them.

So, rather than forcing yourself to think kindly about yourself, start with this question: “How did being harsh with myself once help me feel safe?”

You learnt to use harsh self-talk to protect yourself. Understanding how harsh self-talk helped you can help you see why being kind to yourself feels so hard now. Even if kinder thoughts still feel false, you may blame yourself less for struggling to believe them.

Want more help when kinder thoughts feel fake? Comment “ENOUGH” for my article, “Childhood Trauma Made Inferiority Your Inner Guard (This Changes It All).”

For more on why kind thoughts about yourself can feel false, watch the video below.

Do you doubt your skills, even when you’ve done similar work well before? Writing down how you used your skills may help. But taking credit for work you’ve done well can be hard if it makes you feel guilty.

You may downplay your successes because you don’t want to be prideful. You mean well. But if you dismiss what you’ve done well, you may struggle to trust your skills when similar work comes up.

Try writing down small examples of how you used your skills to get work done, even if taking credit feels wrong. Your notes can remind you of what you’ve done well and help you feel less scared when you face similar tasks again.

To find out why perfectionists can feel too proud to accept good enough, watch the video below.

I asked my client to praise herself using words she did not believe. That was when I struggled most to help her feel good enough.

Can self-praise help a client who does not believe what she is saying? Or might she hide her doubts because she thinks you expect her to mean every word?

You can give her space to share those doubts as she learns to praise herself. The words do not have to feel true to her yet. She can work toward feeling good enough without pretending to believe every word.

Watch the video below to learn why CBT restructuring works for perfectionism.

A woman was doing great work but still felt she wasn’t good enough. She tried to give herself credit for what went well, but praising herself made her cringe.

Do you hold back from praising yourself because you’re afraid you’ll get lazy? That fear can keep you from giving yourself credit, even when you’re doing well. So you keep working hard but still feel you’re falling short.

Try this: when you do good work, give yourself credit, even if praising yourself makes you cringe. Then check what happens next. Do you stop trying, or do you still put in the work?

If you still make an effort after praising yourself, you have evidence that praise doesn’t have to make you lazy. Seeing this can ease your fear of praising yourself and help you feel good enough.

Want help giving yourself credit? Watch the video below to see how keeping a win log can help, even if praising yourself makes you cringe.

Tammy often brushed off compliments with a joke. She struggled to believe she was good enough, so she started keeping a list of every compliment she received to help herself accept praise.

You might keep a list for the same reason. But if you fall behind on updating your list, could you end up blaming yourself for that too?

Try accepting a compliment without brushing it off with a joke or giving yourself another task. Notice what you did well, and let that be enough. You can feel good about yourself without having to do more to deserve the praise.

Watch the video below for ways to recognise and accept your small wins. Your worth doesn’t depend on how well you keep track of them.

Should you learn to feel good enough as you are, even when your health, work or love life needs work? It may seem easier to improve those areas first and then feel good enough.

But what if you make progress and still feel you’re not good enough? You might dismiss the progress you’ve made as though it doesn’t count.

Start by giving yourself credit for small wins, even when your life isn’t where you want it to be. Those wins count. You can feel good enough as you are and still work to improve your life.

Do you feel you must fix your health, work or love life before you can feel good enough? Watch the video below, “Feel Inadequate? Should You Fix Self-Sabotage or Your Life First?” You’ll find more ways to feel good enough as you are while working on what needs to change.

A win can make you feel good enough, but that feeling can soon fade. You may find yourself feeling “not good enough” again. So how can writing down ten good things each day help?

The list can remind you that you’re good enough as you are, even if it doesn’t make the doubt go away. If you dismiss what you’ve written because you still feel unsure of yourself, you may miss what the list can help you see.

Try writing down ten good things each day. Let yourself believe what you’ve written. Use the list to remember that your worth stays the same, even when the good feeling from a win fades. You don’t have to do more or get everything right to feel good enough.

If your achievements never feel like enough, watch the video below to learn how self-criticism keeps you doubting your worth.

When you feel guilty about saying no to someone, can you still recognise the value of the help you’ve already given them?

Or do you worry that turning them down will cost you their trust and stop them from asking for help again?

Try to give yourself credit for the help you offer while being clear about what you can and can’t do. You can set limits even if you feel guilty or worry about losing someone’s trust. Clear limits let others know what help they can count on from you and which requests you can’t meet.

Do you feel guilty when you can’t help everyone? Watch the video below to see how that guilt connects to feeling unworthy and trying to please everyone.