How To Overcome People Pleasing Addiction

Should you stop putting your own needs last, even if you worry that saying no will make you seem selfish or cold?

You want to help, so you say yes—even when your own needs go unmet. But if people notice you’re neglecting yourself to help them, they may hesitate to ask again because they worry they’re asking too much.

Be clear about how much help you can offer while still meeting your own needs. You can be kind and still set limits. When people know your limits, they may feel more at ease asking for help because they don’t have to guess whether you’re taking on too much.

Comment “CONFIDENCE” for my guide: “Transcripts — How to End People-Pleasing Addiction.”

To see what recovering from people pleasing can look like without being selfish, watch the video below.

Could letting go of your need to please start with understanding why saying no feels so hard? A firm “no” alone may not be enough.

You might want to help a coworker prepare for a promotion you’re both pursuing. But giving too much help could make your coworker doubt their own skills. Helping them compete against you could also hurt your chances of getting the role.

Try helping with one part of their preparation and letting them work through the rest. This gives your coworker space to build confidence in their own skills while you keep working toward the promotion yourself.

If you want to understand why saying no feels so hard, watch the video below, “The Psychology of People Pleasers Who Want to Stop Compulsive Pleasing”.

Does taking small steps toward saying no mean you’ll sometimes still say yes when you’d rather not?

Would that yes help the other person, or might they feel like a burden if they knew you wanted to say no?

Pause before you agree. Then offer only the help you want to give, so the other person can trust your yes.

If saying no feels hard, watch the video below for my simple rules to help you stop saying yes just to please others.

Stepping back to care for your health can be hard when others still need you.

You might worry that the people who depend on you will resent you for leaving work undone.

What can help? Decide how much you can take on without harming your health. Then tell people what you can and can’t do, even when that conversation is hard. You may worry about letting them down, but clear limits help them plan how to handle the work you can’t take on.

Give your own needs as much thought as you give to the needs of others. Your health needs care, too.

If you struggle to show yourself compassion when you want others’ approval, watch the video below.

Should you turn down new work even if saying no means getting less praise and feeling less valued?

When you say yes, are you letting people count on more help than you can keep giving?

Be clear about how much work you can take on. You may get less praise when you say no, and that can hurt. Saying no can be especially hard if praise helps you feel valued. But when you tell people how much work you can take on, they can ask someone else for help rather than count on you to do more than you can manage.

If you put up with too much work just to hear a thank you, watch the video below on how people-pleasing can keep you saying yes.

Would you leave a relationship that hurts you, even if you’re afraid of letting down a partner who needs you?

What if staying to avoid hurting him makes him more dependent on you to feel okay?

You have the right to leave, even if leaving hurts him. He is responsible for his own happiness. Time apart may help him learn to cope with his feelings. You don’t have to stay just to keep him happy.

Comment “GUILT” for my guide on how to stop people pleasing and learn to say no, even when you feel guilty about leaving.

Watch the video below for help spotting when you’re saying yes out of guilt or fear of losing someone’s approval.

Would you tell your parents what you need, even if you feel guilty asking for help?

You may hold back because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But unless you tell your parents what you need, they may not know you need help. So your needs may go unmet.

You don’t have to wait until you stop feeling guilty to speak up. When you tell your parents what you need, you give them a chance to help instead of leaving them to guess.

Watch the video below to learn what happens when you stop trying to please your parents.

Would you tell your boss you can’t take on more work if saying no could cost you a promotion? What if the extra pay from that promotion could give your loved ones a better life?

Taking on more work might help you provide for your family. But the longer hours could also mean less time at home. How would your family feel about seeing you less? Could they grow to resent the time you spend at work?

You can say no to work that keeps you late and still work toward a promotion. Setting that limit gives you more time with your family. Your pay helps meet their needs, and your time with them shows you care. Both count.

Want to take a closer look at what saying yes for a promotion could cost you? Watch the video below, "What's being a pushover for promotions costing you?".

Showing your family love can mean pausing before you say yes to more work. That pause can be hard when extra work means more money for your family.

You work more to give your family what they need. But extra work can also mean missing time with your children. Over time, spending less time together can cause you and your children to grow apart.

Before you say yes, weigh the extra pay against the time you’ll miss with your children. That’s a hard choice when you’re worried about paying the bills. But your children need your time, too. Being there helps them learn they can count on you for more than money.

Money may not be the only reason you say yes to more work. The desire for praise and the fear of saying no can push you to accept more, too.

Want to understand why working less can feel scary when you’re always trying to please people? Then watch the video below.

If saying no is hard for you, do you have to keep accepting work you don’t want to do while you learn to set limits?

You may worry that if you say yes now, someone will start counting on your help and feel hurt if you say no later.

You don’t owe anyone a yes. But if you choose to help now, you can be clear from the start about when you’ll stop. That way, the person can decide whether your help meets their needs before they start relying on you.

Let’s look at what happens when you set small boundaries with people you want to please. Watch the video below.

How do you deal with the guilt that comes with saying no? Start small. Say no to a small request and stick with your choice, even when saying yes would please someone else.

You want to help your mum, but your needs count too. You may worry that if you say no to a few small requests, she’ll think she’s asking too much and stop asking for help altogether.

When you need to say no, let your mum know when you can help. Reassure her that she can still ask for help and that you’ll tell her when you need rest. As she learns to trust you to speak up about your needs, she may worry less about asking too much.

Want to know why you end up saying yes to please someone even when you’ve rehearsed saying no? Watch the video below.