When beating yourself up for being anxious takes more energy than the anxiety itself

You know that feeling when you're completely exhausted from dealing with workplace stress, and someone says "just don't let it get to you"?

Here's the uncomfortable question: What if the workplace stress isn't actually what's draining you most?

I worked with someone recently who was stuck in what felt like an impossible situation. Their workplace was genuinely toxic—emails got publicly criticized, they were excluded from meetings, a position they'd wanted for a year was given to someone else at a level above them. They'd given HR a deadline (December 31st) to move them back to their old team, and HR responded with the classic "a lot of moving parts" non-answer.

By every reasonable measure, they had plenty to be anxious about.

But when we tracked what was actually draining their energy, we found something surprising.

What Everyone Assumes Is Draining You

When you're this exhausted, the obvious answer seems clear: it's the toxic workplace. The public criticism. The exclusion. The uncertainty about whether you'll ever escape.

Research backs this up. The American Psychological Association's 2023 survey found that workers in toxic workplaces were more than three times as likely to experience mental health harm compared to those in healthy environments. Between 19-32% of workers report their workplaces as psychologically unsafe.

So the conventional wisdom says: of course you're drained. Your workplace is terrible. Once you escape, you'll feel better.

And there's truth to that.

But it doesn't explain the full picture.

Why the Obvious Answer Doesn't Explain Everything

Here's what didn't add up:

Why was this person checking emails ten-plus times before sending? Why were they sending emails to peers for review first? Why did a simple work email trigger a spiral that went from "I'm worried about this email" to "I'm frustrated that I'm worried" to "I'm pathetic for being frustrated" to "What's wrong with me that I can't even send an email?"

And here's the really interesting piece: when I asked them about their previous team—the one they wanted to return to—they said something revealing.

"I never doubted myself there. I just... did my work. I didn't have all this extra noise in my head."

The work was still work. They still had emails to send, tasks to complete, responsibilities to manage. But something was fundamentally different.

What changed wasn't just the external environment. Something else had been added.

The Hidden Problem With Being Anxious About Anxiety

When we tracked their thought patterns over a week, a clear structure emerged. Every anxious moment had two distinct layers:

Level One: The initial response to the actual situation
"I'm anxious about this email because it might get publicly criticized."

Level Two: The thoughts ABOUT those thoughts
"I'm frustrated that I'm anxious. I'm pathetic for being anxious about just an email. Other people send emails fine. What's wrong with me?"

They described it perfectly: "The actual anxiety about the email almost felt... justified? Because emails DO get criticized publicly in my team. But beating myself up for being anxious felt like it took up way more mental energy."

This is what researchers call metacognition—thinking about thinking, having feelings about feelings. And here's what makes it a hidden cause rather than just a symptom:

Research published in peer-reviewed journals shows that these metacognitive processes don't just respond to stress. They actively generate and sustain it independently of the original stressor.

A 2024 study found high and significant correlations between metacognitive beliefs and trait anxiety (r > 0.500, p < 0.001). A 2025 study in Scientific Reports demonstrated that perseverative thought processes—worry and rumination—play significant roles in both creating and maintaining anxiety and depression.

In other words: Level Two thinking isn't just your reaction to the problem. It IS a problem, separate from the original one.

And often, it's the bigger drain.

How Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck

Here's what most people don't see happening:

When you engage in Level Two thinking—ruminating about your anxiety, criticizing yourself for having feelings—it triggers what the research calls "self-focused attention."

This does three things simultaneously:

1. Increases your access to negative thoughts
The more you focus on "what's wrong with me for being anxious," the more evidence your brain finds that something IS wrong.

2. Prevents you from solving the Level One problem
When you're spiraling about being anxious, you're not actually thinking clearly about the email anymore. You're stuck in the meta-layer.

3. Blocks you from noticing contradictory evidence
The person I worked with had a colleague who also triple-checked emails because of the public criticism culture. But when they were deep in Level Two thinking ("I'm pathetic for being anxious"), they forgot that evidence completely. The meta-layer actually prevented them from seeing reality clearly.

This is backed by the established Clark and Wells cognitive model of social anxiety, which has robust evidence showing that self-focused attention is a key maintenance factor in anxiety disorders. The model has shown large effect sizes (Hedge's g = 1.19) and superiority to other treatment approaches.

Why Checking Emails Ten Times Backfires

The checking—reviewing emails ten-plus times, sending them to peers for review, putting off hitting send—provided immediate relief. In the moment, it felt safer.

But research on safety-seeking behaviors reveals a paradox: these actions maintain anxiety long-term even though they reduce it short-term.

Here's why: when you check ten times and nothing bad happens, your brain doesn't conclude "the email was fine." It concludes "the email was fine BECAUSE I checked ten times." You never collect evidence that you'd be okay without all that checking.

The behavior that feels protective is actually keeping the anxiety alive.

As one study on safety behaviors put it: they are "key facilitators of long-term anxiety maintenance" specifically because they prevent disconfirmation of feared outcomes.

What the Previous Team Reveals

Remember that previous team? The one with the supportive manager?

"I might have been nervous about something, but I didn't spiral into 'you're pathetic for being nervous.' I just dealt with the thing and moved on."

That's the difference.

The work environment created what researchers call psychological safety. Research from Mental Health Research Canada shows that workers who feel psychologically safe have fewer bouts of unmanageable stress and are less prone to burnout even during intense work periods.

But here's the key insight: psychological safety didn't just reduce Level One anxiety (though it did). More importantly, it meant Level Two thinking wasn't activated.

There were no thoughts about thoughts. No feelings about feelings. The absence of that meta-layer is what made work feel manageable.

Where Else This Pattern Appears

Once you see this structure, you start noticing it in other areas:

• You feel irritated by your mother → feel guilty for being irritated → feel like a terrible person for feeling guilty
• You're anxious on public transport → "I shouldn't feel this way" → "What's wrong with me that I can't even take the Tube?" → catastrophizing that you'll ruin your upcoming birthday trip
• You're worried about the HR response → "I'm pathetic for caring this much about work" → spiraling about what it means that you care

The Level One feeling might be completely understandable, even appropriate given the circumstances. But the Level Two amplification is what makes it unbearable.

A systematic literature review on workplace ostracism found that rumination—persistent negative thoughts about being excluded—mediates the relationship between ostracism and adverse outcomes like burnout. It's not the exclusion itself that burns you out. It's the rumination ABOUT the exclusion.

The thoughts about the experience, not just the experience itself.

What Shifts When You See This

Your workplace IS toxic. The anxiety IS justified. The HR situation IS legitimately stressful.

This isn't about pretending those things aren't real or don't matter.

But here's what shifts: you don't also need to be at war with yourself for having those responses.

The question isn't "How do I stop being anxious in a genuinely threatening environment?" (That's impossible, and arguably unwise—the anxiety is information that the environment is dangerous.)

The question is: "Can I let the Level One response exist without adding the Level Two amplification?"

When I asked the person I was working with what would happen if they stopped having thoughts about their thoughts, they said something revealing:

"That's actually hard to answer. It feels like if I'm not criticizing myself for being anxious, I'm just accepting being broken? But that doesn't make sense when I say it out loud."

Then I asked: "What evidence do you have that being frustrated with your anxiety has helped you be less anxious?"

"None. Zero. It's never helped. It just makes me more drained and stuck."

There it is. Level Two thinking costs energy but doesn't provide the benefit it seems like it should.

How to Catch Level Two Thinking

The practice isn't to eliminate anxiety. You can't eliminate an appropriate response to a real threat, and trying just creates more Level Two self-criticism.

The practice is to catch yourself at the transition point.

Here's what that looks like:

When HR texts back (or doesn't), notice:

• "I'm worried about the response" ← Level One (appropriate given the stakes)
• "I'm pathetic for caring this much about work" ← Level Two (optional amplification)

Just observe. Don't try to stop it. Just notice: "Oh, there's Level Two starting."

Research shows that people who struggle with frequent anxiety have difficulty mobilizing what scientists call "functional reflective processes"—the ability to observe thoughts without getting tangled in them.

But here's what's interesting: when the person I worked with first tracked this pattern, they found it "so interesting" and "kind of relieving." Just seeing the structure made it feel less overwhelming.

That observation without judgment? That's the opposite of Level Two thinking. The ability to notice "I'm having thoughts about my thoughts" without immediately judging yourself for it.

You've already proven you can access that mode. Now it's about practicing it in real-time.

What Success Looks Like (Not Elimination)

Not elimination of anxiety. Not a perfectly calm mind in a toxic workplace.

Success is catching yourself once a day at the transition point between Level One and Level Two. Recognizing: "This is the appropriate response to a real situation. This is the optional amplification I'm adding on top."

The anxiety about flying to New York for your birthday might still be there. Lots of people are nervous about flying. That's Level One, and it's normal.

But without the catastrophizing that you're broken for being nervous, without the pile-up of "I shouldn't feel this way" and "what's wrong with me," it's just... nervousness.

Which is manageable. Which doesn't have to ruin the trip. Full stop.

The Next Step After Awareness

You can now see the difference between Level One and Level Two. You can start observing the pattern in real-time.

But here's what we haven't covered yet: What do you actually DO when you catch Level Two thinking in action?

Observing it is the first step. But once you notice "I'm having feelings about my feelings," how do you actually disengage from that metacognitive spiral? What specific techniques interrupt the cycle without creating more fighting (which would just be more Level Two thinking)?

There are evidence-based methods for this—ways to work with your mind rather than against it when you catch yourself in the meta-layer. But that's the next piece.

For now: practice catching the transition. Notice when you move from "I'm anxious" to "I'm anxious about being anxious."

That awareness alone, without any judgment attached to it, starts to shift things.

Because the moment you see the pattern clearly, you're already observing it rather than drowning in it. And observation—real observation, without the commentary—is the opposite of Level Two thinking.

You're not broken for having anxiety in a threatening environment. You're having an appropriate response.

The drain is coming from the war you're waging with yourself about having that response.

And that war? That's optional.

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What's Next

Stay tuned for more insights on your journey to wellbeing.